I'm in Charge?.....I'm in Charge!

How is it that I am 36 years old and I actually have to take a deep breath and be brave in order to pack up my vehicle and take my kids to on a little road trip on my own. As I sat in front of the computer going back and forth on whether or not I should book the hotel, I kept thinking this isn't something I would normally do, isn't there someone I should ask if its okay if I do this. When I hit the submit button I actually had a tiny panic attack because I realized it was too late to take it back.

I had made a spontaneous decision to pack up my kids and run off to the beach for the night. Just me and my three. I had to fight off the little voice in my head telling me I was completely incapable of handling this adventure on my own. I fought past the other voices...did you use a coupon? ...did you get the best deal? ...could you have gotten a better deal if you waited a few more weeks? I had made up my mind, I was capable and I would show my kids that Mommy is more than capable of having fun.

It took me a while to realize why this was such a big step for me, that I have never in my adult life felt like I was in control of the wheel. Part of this whole divorce process that has been terrifying to me is that I am now in charge, which for someone as bossy as myself (yes shocking I know) you would think it would be exciting, but its actually the most terrifying feeling I have ever had. Most days I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a building with the kids hanging at my feet and I am the one that has to figure out "what next".

We we about an hour into our drive and on the curves in the dark on a stretch of road that is another one of my fears...but I'm cruising along doing great when Ashlyn announces she has to pee. "MOMMY I HAFTA PEE RIGHT NOW AND I CAN'T HOLD IT" of course you do dear because as with the rest of today's unfolding events that would normally make me panic.

So I found a safe nook to pull over walked around stepping in snow (yes I said snow) took Ashlyn from the car and said "Ashlyn congratulations you are a big girl today and big girls who have to pee on road trips get to pee on a pretend toilet in the snow." I then, mostly against her will pull down her pants as cars whizzed by and said okay Ashlyn go ahead! I am pretty sure at this point my poor kid thought I had lost my mind but she obliged and went potty, then politely apologized for peeing on my shoe. My two big kids laughed hysterically at the knowledge that Ashlyn had just "whizzed on my shoe", and once again I was able to just move on.

The rest of the night was filled with lots of laughs and I didn't feel overwhelmed or worried about what tomorrow was going to bring. Once the kids fell asleep though the doubts crept back in, sleep didn't come easy for me. I laid awake most of the night doing that thing I do, rethinking my decisions, letting the what ifs eat at me. Thankfully, morning brought a new sense of  "you can do this Anna", and so I got up and did what I never believed I could on my own. I bathed, fed, and dressed the kids, packed up our room without leaving a thing behind and without raising my voice to anyone...then successfully had a unplanned day of fun without time constraints or stress.

I am taking steps toward being the person I am meant to be... not the person I have always wanted to be, or the person someone else wants me to be. I am a little crazy, I am emotional and I am constantly afraid of admitting how afraid I am. This weekend I am seeing that I am also very capable of being exactly the Mom God intended for my kids to have, and their smiles tell me I'm doing just fine, and whether I can see it clearly today or not things will be just as they should be.

Now off to snuggle the kiddos....I'll leave the never ending task of getting sand out of everything tomorrow.