Nothing like a horrible night of weird dreams to keep my mind occupied on all the wrong things. I need to go to heartbreak rehab....does that even exist. Maybe it would be easier to get through some of this stuff if I could just go somewhere and cry it out for a week or two..all this stop and start of emotion and dealing with issues is exhausting.

Optional

Haven't had the energy to blog in a few days. Lots going on, and my mind is reeling. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to over thinking pretty much everything. I feel like I have hit emotional overload and when that happens I tend go into shut down mode. I kind of wish I would go directly into that mode instead flying into the  say whatever the hell you are thinking mode. Although its good to get it out, I need to work on delivery and timing...never been my strong suit.

Having to stare down my insecurities the past few weeks and it has pushed me to my limits. I can't figure out why I continually make excuses for people when they hurt me. Its almost as though I think I somehow deserve to have my importance minimized. I have taken the back seat to almost everyone in my life for as long as I can remember. Opitional....is how I am feeling. Time to take a few steps back...I keep trying to sprint through this process, but I keep tripping over all the emotional obstacles being thrown my way. Time to clear the course and focus on whats important.
 


Chin up...head down and one step at a time as my brother would say.

How is it I'm still the one being treated as though I'm stupid....my only stupidity was in putting trust in you.

Here is an email I had the pleasure of having to read...its from him to a girl who advertised on craigslist. and he wonders why I'm not over this yet. Makes me ill. Maybe I was stupid! Just to note I was also pregnant during this time...what a catch huh?

From: Discrete_Cravings <discrete_cravings@yahoo.com>
Subject: looking for repeat encounters or a one night stand - w4m - 25
To: pers-439735783@craigslist.org
Date: Thursday, October 4, 2007, 3:41 PM

Good god woman.  I don't even know you and already I'm in love.  Ok, maybe not love but am turned on as hell.  I'm in town on business for tonight only and am craving a little adult pleasures.  I'm 32, 5'8" tall, 150 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes and a joggers build.  I'm cute, clean, discrete, and clean.  I'm married, so discretion is a must.  I've got a lot of built up energy if you know what I mean and am in the mood to explore every inch of your body with my tounge and make every inch of your body tingle.  Let me know if you are interested and I can send you my number and exchange picks.  Note that I can also host.

Lustfully yours,

oh and here is another one.


From: Discrete_Cravings <discrete_cravings@yahoo.com>
Subject: Alisha, 118lbs searching for for occasional and no committal instants - w4m - 42
To: pers-440164488@craigslist.org
Date: Thursday, October 4, 2007, 3:37 PM

Hello Alisha,

I'm in town on business for tonight only and am craving a little adult pleasures.  I'm 32, 5'8" tall, 150 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes and a joggers build.  I'm cute, clean, discrete, and clean.  I'm married and from out of state, so I am safe.  I've got a lot of built up energy if you know what I mean and am in the mood for an evening of forbidden fun.  Let me know if you are interested and I can send you my number.  Note that I can also host.

Thinking of you and smiling,

Josh

face it or don't ...I'm going to keep moving on

I love how people preach being honest and truthful....but when the truth isn't pretty and doesn't fit into their little world they hide from it. 9 days ago I wrote a very honest letter to my Ex-inlaws letting them know what really happened that lead to the demise of my marriage to their son.....nine days and I have heard nothing more than crickets.

That is a theme these days, if people don't like truth they hide from it or act like they didn't hear you. I was a part of their family for 18years, I felt I deserved a response of some kind after the judgement they have place on me all these years. Nothing, that is what I got.

Not an" I'm so sorry we made you feel that way" or "we are sorry for judging you"...or even an "I'm so sorry you went through that"....Nothing. I'm not sure why that surprised me, I kind of set myself up for that. If I wasn't good enough to marry their son, then in their eyes maybe I wasn't good enough for an apology of any kind.

So added to my list of things I need to let go of  is getting any kind of apology from people in my life that hurt me in order to move on. Truth is scary, and it can hurt, but if there is one lesson I took away from what I went through, it is that hiding from the truth will only prolong the pain, facing it head on however painful is necessary to move forward.

We have really become a society where we feel the need to disguise truth in prettied up packages...sometimes truth is shitty....no sense in hiding it in a cupcake to deliver it....its still going to taste like shit. So I guess what I'm saying is no worries you can ignore me it doesn't make the words I said untrue. Face it or don't I said my peace and I'm moving on.

Apparently at some point during these last six months I have let a few things slide. My youngest Ashlyn was having a hard time sleeping in her own room after her Daddy moved out, so I decided that I should let her sleep with me whenever she needed to. Well as I was clinging to the side of my King size bed like Spiderman, freezing to death and starring at a 28lb bed hog snoring away as cozy as could be, I thought what in the world am I doing?

As Moms we do this thing where we give every piece of ourselves until we have nothing left to give, and we wonder why it becomes more and more difficult to give with joy to our children, family and friends. You can't give what you don't have....giving from an empty place is like trying to drive your car without gas, you may be able to coast on fumes for a while but eventually you will have to get out and walk. I have coasted to this point and now its time to get out and walk...and then refuel myself.

So tonight, I put the little bed hog back in her own bed. This Mommy needs her own space and a good night sleep and I won't apologize for my need for that. I'm no longer buying into the guilt trips. It is okay for me to enjoy time alone, and its okay for me to do things for myself. The only trips I will be buying into in the near future is Vegas trips!

I'm giddy at the thought that I will have the whole bed to myself tonight....celebrating with a glass of wine and some mindless t.v.

hold on and drown or let it go.....

I used to cry when I would go back and read the first email I wrote to the married co-worker that slept with my then husband, now I read it and shake my head wondering how I was even able to put a sentence together during that time. I am stronger than I ever thought I was, how I did not end up on the 5 O'clock news during that time is beyond me.

I realize at some point I will need to let go of each piece of that time in order to move on, keeping only the lesson that is supposed to be learned from it. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out what the lesson is. Maybe the lesson is forgiveness isn't easy, and nothing that truly helps us grow as people will be.

My personal goal this year is to work toward actual forgiveness of this action....not for them, but for me. Carrying around all this anger and resentment is like trying to swim while holding onto a concrete block, you can't do it and stay above water, so I can hold on to it and drown, or let it go and live. I can't forget what happened...but it is in my power to forgive what was done to me.



From: mosgrove-@gmail.com
To: sherylp-----@hotmail.com
Subject: Need to talk
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:16:32 +0000

I'm not sure how an email like this is supposed to start, but here goes I'm Josh's wife, we have 3 beautiful children together , We have been together since we were 17. We have have now been married for 10 years. This past Saturday I became devastatingly aware of the fact that he has gone outside our marriage (but you are already aware of this).

First of all relax I'm not going to contact your husband, I have no intentions of trying to contact you  further beyond this email, but if you ever contact my husband again in any way, for any reason I will contact your husband, and I don't think you want that. So lose his number, lose his email.

I do however want to give you the heads up that you should go and get tested because my husband has apparently been sleeping with prostitutes for about 6 years now....How special do you feel now, you are no better than the others...the only difference between you and them is They got paid. 

That is actually how I found out about you, we were actually in a counseling session trying to work this out when you emailed him asking if he had told anyone.....well now he has. Thanks, he may not have told me, but had to when your email came across. Kind of ironic huh?

I haven't got my test results back yet but if you want, I can let you know if you should really be worried when I get them back next week. Not that I should care about you or your health. I almost hope you do get something it would serve you right, and maybe you'll think twice before crawling into bed with anyone other than your husband, and if not at least maybe you'll stay away from other peoples' husbands.

 

 How could a mom do something like this, did your child/ children ever cross your mind, did you really think it was going to go somewhere beyond that night, you are a very sad person, and you should be very careful doing these kinds of things, because eventually people get found out and you are so lucky that this time it was me.... because I love my kids enough not to do anything stupid, but one of these times you are going to come across a wife that will not just write you an email....they will come after you, so you should feel very lucky that I love my kids more than I want to hurt you.

So that old saying" What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is just a myth, and unlike the Easter bunny STD's really do exist. So I hope you learned something from this experience, and don't think that I'm placing all the blame on you, he is sooooo to blame,  he will a very lucky man if I don't leave him.

For now your secret is safe with me, only because I don't need some guy coming to hurt the father of my 3 beautiful kids because they love their daddy very much, so the only thing keeping you from being exposed now is my kids....take a look at them, you should thank them, you should thank me, and you should start doing some serious praying for yourself. If you feel like there is something you need to say or maybe you want to apologize feel free to call me 360 713-8837

Anna

Got Baggage?

The picture above wasn't taken by me, but the words are from my heart. I believe this whole heatedly, and yet I am the worst at living by my own words. I don't want to contradict myself here but I need to say that while I believe the words I added to that picture to be true, I also know that we need to look back once in a while and keep track of the lessons learned from what is behind us.

I feel right now I am in reverse. I needed to back up and take a look into the past to really understand the reasons why I am the way I am. I need to deal with the past so that I can move forward without all of my "crap" dragging from my bumper. The image I just put in my own head was kind of comical...I am picturing my past as strings of garbage and bottles tied to my bumper dragging behind me, making quite the spectacle, maybe even the phrase "Got Baggage?" scrawled on the back window. 

 So, for now I will keep glancing back into the past and taking what I need as lessons to make my future better, and leaving the rest of the garbage behind. I am thankful God gave me a sense of humor because it is coming in handy these days...if only he had provided me with a thicker skin, but we can't have it all....at least that is what I hear.