Nothing like a horrible night of weird dreams to keep my mind occupied on all the wrong things. I need to go to heartbreak rehab....does that even exist. Maybe it would be easier to get through some of this stuff if I could just go somewhere and cry it out for a week or two..all this stop and start of emotion and dealing with issues is exhausting.

Optional

Haven't had the energy to blog in a few days. Lots going on, and my mind is reeling. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to over thinking pretty much everything. I feel like I have hit emotional overload and when that happens I tend go into shut down mode. I kind of wish I would go directly into that mode instead flying into the  say whatever the hell you are thinking mode. Although its good to get it out, I need to work on delivery and timing...never been my strong suit.

Having to stare down my insecurities the past few weeks and it has pushed me to my limits. I can't figure out why I continually make excuses for people when they hurt me. Its almost as though I think I somehow deserve to have my importance minimized. I have taken the back seat to almost everyone in my life for as long as I can remember. Opitional....is how I am feeling. Time to take a few steps back...I keep trying to sprint through this process, but I keep tripping over all the emotional obstacles being thrown my way. Time to clear the course and focus on whats important.
 


Chin up...head down and one step at a time as my brother would say.

How is it I'm still the one being treated as though I'm stupid....my only stupidity was in putting trust in you.

Here is an email I had the pleasure of having to read...its from him to a girl who advertised on craigslist. and he wonders why I'm not over this yet. Makes me ill. Maybe I was stupid! Just to note I was also pregnant during this time...what a catch huh?

From: Discrete_Cravings <discrete_cravings@yahoo.com>
Subject: looking for repeat encounters or a one night stand - w4m - 25
To: pers-439735783@craigslist.org
Date: Thursday, October 4, 2007, 3:41 PM

Good god woman.  I don't even know you and already I'm in love.  Ok, maybe not love but am turned on as hell.  I'm in town on business for tonight only and am craving a little adult pleasures.  I'm 32, 5'8" tall, 150 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes and a joggers build.  I'm cute, clean, discrete, and clean.  I'm married, so discretion is a must.  I've got a lot of built up energy if you know what I mean and am in the mood to explore every inch of your body with my tounge and make every inch of your body tingle.  Let me know if you are interested and I can send you my number and exchange picks.  Note that I can also host.

Lustfully yours,

oh and here is another one.


From: Discrete_Cravings <discrete_cravings@yahoo.com>
Subject: Alisha, 118lbs searching for for occasional and no committal instants - w4m - 42
To: pers-440164488@craigslist.org
Date: Thursday, October 4, 2007, 3:37 PM

Hello Alisha,

I'm in town on business for tonight only and am craving a little adult pleasures.  I'm 32, 5'8" tall, 150 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes and a joggers build.  I'm cute, clean, discrete, and clean.  I'm married and from out of state, so I am safe.  I've got a lot of built up energy if you know what I mean and am in the mood for an evening of forbidden fun.  Let me know if you are interested and I can send you my number.  Note that I can also host.

Thinking of you and smiling,

Josh

face it or don't ...I'm going to keep moving on

I love how people preach being honest and truthful....but when the truth isn't pretty and doesn't fit into their little world they hide from it. 9 days ago I wrote a very honest letter to my Ex-inlaws letting them know what really happened that lead to the demise of my marriage to their son.....nine days and I have heard nothing more than crickets.

That is a theme these days, if people don't like truth they hide from it or act like they didn't hear you. I was a part of their family for 18years, I felt I deserved a response of some kind after the judgement they have place on me all these years. Nothing, that is what I got.

Not an" I'm so sorry we made you feel that way" or "we are sorry for judging you"...or even an "I'm so sorry you went through that"....Nothing. I'm not sure why that surprised me, I kind of set myself up for that. If I wasn't good enough to marry their son, then in their eyes maybe I wasn't good enough for an apology of any kind.

So added to my list of things I need to let go of  is getting any kind of apology from people in my life that hurt me in order to move on. Truth is scary, and it can hurt, but if there is one lesson I took away from what I went through, it is that hiding from the truth will only prolong the pain, facing it head on however painful is necessary to move forward.

We have really become a society where we feel the need to disguise truth in prettied up packages...sometimes truth is shitty....no sense in hiding it in a cupcake to deliver it....its still going to taste like shit. So I guess what I'm saying is no worries you can ignore me it doesn't make the words I said untrue. Face it or don't I said my peace and I'm moving on.

Apparently at some point during these last six months I have let a few things slide. My youngest Ashlyn was having a hard time sleeping in her own room after her Daddy moved out, so I decided that I should let her sleep with me whenever she needed to. Well as I was clinging to the side of my King size bed like Spiderman, freezing to death and starring at a 28lb bed hog snoring away as cozy as could be, I thought what in the world am I doing?

As Moms we do this thing where we give every piece of ourselves until we have nothing left to give, and we wonder why it becomes more and more difficult to give with joy to our children, family and friends. You can't give what you don't have....giving from an empty place is like trying to drive your car without gas, you may be able to coast on fumes for a while but eventually you will have to get out and walk. I have coasted to this point and now its time to get out and walk...and then refuel myself.

So tonight, I put the little bed hog back in her own bed. This Mommy needs her own space and a good night sleep and I won't apologize for my need for that. I'm no longer buying into the guilt trips. It is okay for me to enjoy time alone, and its okay for me to do things for myself. The only trips I will be buying into in the near future is Vegas trips!

I'm giddy at the thought that I will have the whole bed to myself tonight....celebrating with a glass of wine and some mindless t.v.

hold on and drown or let it go.....

I used to cry when I would go back and read the first email I wrote to the married co-worker that slept with my then husband, now I read it and shake my head wondering how I was even able to put a sentence together during that time. I am stronger than I ever thought I was, how I did not end up on the 5 O'clock news during that time is beyond me.

I realize at some point I will need to let go of each piece of that time in order to move on, keeping only the lesson that is supposed to be learned from it. I'm still in the process of trying to figure out what the lesson is. Maybe the lesson is forgiveness isn't easy, and nothing that truly helps us grow as people will be.

My personal goal this year is to work toward actual forgiveness of this action....not for them, but for me. Carrying around all this anger and resentment is like trying to swim while holding onto a concrete block, you can't do it and stay above water, so I can hold on to it and drown, or let it go and live. I can't forget what happened...but it is in my power to forgive what was done to me.



From: mosgrove-@gmail.com
To: sherylp-----@hotmail.com
Subject: Need to talk
Date: Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:16:32 +0000

I'm not sure how an email like this is supposed to start, but here goes I'm Josh's wife, we have 3 beautiful children together , We have been together since we were 17. We have have now been married for 10 years. This past Saturday I became devastatingly aware of the fact that he has gone outside our marriage (but you are already aware of this).

First of all relax I'm not going to contact your husband, I have no intentions of trying to contact you  further beyond this email, but if you ever contact my husband again in any way, for any reason I will contact your husband, and I don't think you want that. So lose his number, lose his email.

I do however want to give you the heads up that you should go and get tested because my husband has apparently been sleeping with prostitutes for about 6 years now....How special do you feel now, you are no better than the others...the only difference between you and them is They got paid. 

That is actually how I found out about you, we were actually in a counseling session trying to work this out when you emailed him asking if he had told anyone.....well now he has. Thanks, he may not have told me, but had to when your email came across. Kind of ironic huh?

I haven't got my test results back yet but if you want, I can let you know if you should really be worried when I get them back next week. Not that I should care about you or your health. I almost hope you do get something it would serve you right, and maybe you'll think twice before crawling into bed with anyone other than your husband, and if not at least maybe you'll stay away from other peoples' husbands.

 

 How could a mom do something like this, did your child/ children ever cross your mind, did you really think it was going to go somewhere beyond that night, you are a very sad person, and you should be very careful doing these kinds of things, because eventually people get found out and you are so lucky that this time it was me.... because I love my kids enough not to do anything stupid, but one of these times you are going to come across a wife that will not just write you an email....they will come after you, so you should feel very lucky that I love my kids more than I want to hurt you.

So that old saying" What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" is just a myth, and unlike the Easter bunny STD's really do exist. So I hope you learned something from this experience, and don't think that I'm placing all the blame on you, he is sooooo to blame,  he will a very lucky man if I don't leave him.

For now your secret is safe with me, only because I don't need some guy coming to hurt the father of my 3 beautiful kids because they love their daddy very much, so the only thing keeping you from being exposed now is my kids....take a look at them, you should thank them, you should thank me, and you should start doing some serious praying for yourself. If you feel like there is something you need to say or maybe you want to apologize feel free to call me 360 713-8837

Anna

Got Baggage?

The picture above wasn't taken by me, but the words are from my heart. I believe this whole heatedly, and yet I am the worst at living by my own words. I don't want to contradict myself here but I need to say that while I believe the words I added to that picture to be true, I also know that we need to look back once in a while and keep track of the lessons learned from what is behind us.

I feel right now I am in reverse. I needed to back up and take a look into the past to really understand the reasons why I am the way I am. I need to deal with the past so that I can move forward without all of my "crap" dragging from my bumper. The image I just put in my own head was kind of comical...I am picturing my past as strings of garbage and bottles tied to my bumper dragging behind me, making quite the spectacle, maybe even the phrase "Got Baggage?" scrawled on the back window. 

 So, for now I will keep glancing back into the past and taking what I need as lessons to make my future better, and leaving the rest of the garbage behind. I am thankful God gave me a sense of humor because it is coming in handy these days...if only he had provided me with a thicker skin, but we can't have it all....at least that is what I hear.

I'm in Charge?.....I'm in Charge!

How is it that I am 36 years old and I actually have to take a deep breath and be brave in order to pack up my vehicle and take my kids to on a little road trip on my own. As I sat in front of the computer going back and forth on whether or not I should book the hotel, I kept thinking this isn't something I would normally do, isn't there someone I should ask if its okay if I do this. When I hit the submit button I actually had a tiny panic attack because I realized it was too late to take it back.

I had made a spontaneous decision to pack up my kids and run off to the beach for the night. Just me and my three. I had to fight off the little voice in my head telling me I was completely incapable of handling this adventure on my own. I fought past the other voices...did you use a coupon? ...did you get the best deal? ...could you have gotten a better deal if you waited a few more weeks? I had made up my mind, I was capable and I would show my kids that Mommy is more than capable of having fun.

It took me a while to realize why this was such a big step for me, that I have never in my adult life felt like I was in control of the wheel. Part of this whole divorce process that has been terrifying to me is that I am now in charge, which for someone as bossy as myself (yes shocking I know) you would think it would be exciting, but its actually the most terrifying feeling I have ever had. Most days I feel like I'm hanging off the edge of a building with the kids hanging at my feet and I am the one that has to figure out "what next".

We we about an hour into our drive and on the curves in the dark on a stretch of road that is another one of my fears...but I'm cruising along doing great when Ashlyn announces she has to pee. "MOMMY I HAFTA PEE RIGHT NOW AND I CAN'T HOLD IT" of course you do dear because as with the rest of today's unfolding events that would normally make me panic.

So I found a safe nook to pull over walked around stepping in snow (yes I said snow) took Ashlyn from the car and said "Ashlyn congratulations you are a big girl today and big girls who have to pee on road trips get to pee on a pretend toilet in the snow." I then, mostly against her will pull down her pants as cars whizzed by and said okay Ashlyn go ahead! I am pretty sure at this point my poor kid thought I had lost my mind but she obliged and went potty, then politely apologized for peeing on my shoe. My two big kids laughed hysterically at the knowledge that Ashlyn had just "whizzed on my shoe", and once again I was able to just move on.

The rest of the night was filled with lots of laughs and I didn't feel overwhelmed or worried about what tomorrow was going to bring. Once the kids fell asleep though the doubts crept back in, sleep didn't come easy for me. I laid awake most of the night doing that thing I do, rethinking my decisions, letting the what ifs eat at me. Thankfully, morning brought a new sense of  "you can do this Anna", and so I got up and did what I never believed I could on my own. I bathed, fed, and dressed the kids, packed up our room without leaving a thing behind and without raising my voice to anyone...then successfully had a unplanned day of fun without time constraints or stress.

I am taking steps toward being the person I am meant to be... not the person I have always wanted to be, or the person someone else wants me to be. I am a little crazy, I am emotional and I am constantly afraid of admitting how afraid I am. This weekend I am seeing that I am also very capable of being exactly the Mom God intended for my kids to have, and their smiles tell me I'm doing just fine, and whether I can see it clearly today or not things will be just as they should be.

Now off to snuggle the kiddos....I'll leave the never ending task of getting sand out of everything tomorrow.

some more ugly truths.....from long ago.

I was 8yrs old the day my mom took me into the bathroom at my Auntie Jan's house and said very coldly "Anna I don't love your Dad anymore and we are not really here just for the weekend, we are not going home....stop your crying, this is your Dad's fault not mine". I remember feeling terrified. I had been so excited that day to visit my Auntie Jan and Uncle Don, and now my excitement had turned to overwhelming sadness.

I sat in that bathroom for a while trying to hide an evidence of my crying. I walked out to find my mom, who had never in my whole life held a cigarette at least in front of me...smoking, she was laughing and acting as though she hadn't just took me into the bathroom and destroyed my whole world, I didn't know who she was. I felt so angry and betrayed. Little did I know that would just be the first of many times my mother would cause me hurt.

It wasn't long before my mom decided that I was too much for her to handle, I was old enough to ask questions and I was old enough to know when she was lying. She had found a boyfriend, and I was sent back to my Dad's.

Over the next several years both of my brothers were given up by my mom to my Dad as well. We had some hard times but overall my years with my brothers and my Dad were okay, unless my mom was in the mix and then she did what she could to create drama and in the process hurt us kids. I cannot tell you how many times my brothers and I sat all packed up waiting for her to show up for a visit and she would never show......I got used to that feeling of disappointment.

After a few years my Dad met a woman who would become my next bad experience and example of a mother. I had a pretty good sense of people, even at a young age. I could tell that she had no intention of bonding with me and my brothers, we were baggage to her and not baggage that she ever intended on letting sit around for very long.


I remember crying the day they got married, I begged my Dad not to do it and told him she "doesn't love us Dad she only acts like she does when you are looking". Looking back, I realize my Dad was lonely and he was doing what he thought was best for us. Little did he know we were in for a few years of mental and physical abuse at her hands. My self worth plummeted each time I would try to tell someone about what was happening and I was shut down...and told I was lying or I deserved what had happened.

The night I decided never again would I take the abuse quietly happened when I was in the 7th grade. I heard my youngest brother Ryan sobbing in his room and "her" yelling for him to stop being a baby (but he was a baby at the time). I jumped in and told her to" leave him alone" and that she couldn't treat us like this. No sooner had I said those words I was being half drug and shoved through the hall toward the front door. I wasn't sure what she had planned but I knew I wasn't going down without a fight. She was bigger and outweighed me by at least 50lbs, so before I knew it I was standing on the front porch watching the door slam shut. I was locked out of the house, it was freezing cold and I was in a t-shirt and underwear. I remember looking up and seeing her peer out the front window laughing at me and waving.

I climbed into my Dad's big work truck and sat there in disbelief and cried for what felt like an eternity. At some point I went to the neighbors house...in my underwear and asked for help. They went and knocked on the door, she answered and claimed I had run away on my own. I should have known then telling anyone would not do any good.

I have several instances like this, but each time I told, nothing happened to her and I would end up worse off than I was before. The last time she physically touched me was in the ninth grade. She would do these weekly "room inspections" where she would go through our rooms and if one, and I honestly mean one thing was out of place she would dismantle our rooms...from ceiling to floor, every belonging would be dumped and scattered in the middle of the room, nothing was spared down to the bedding on the bed. We would then be told to start over and do it right....there we times when my room was dumped 5 times in one day, over something as little as a pair of socks in the underwear drawer. 

She entered my room for the final inspection and she told me to move so she could get to the dresser. I snapped, I was exhausted, I wasn't going to have her dump my things one more time....so I stepped behind the large Oak dresser and told her if she wanted the dresser she could have it. I don't know where the strength came from but all 98lbs of me lifted that dresser and shoved it in her directions. I watched as it fell on her pushing her down and pinning her to my bed. I let out a scream and called her names I had been holding inside for years. My victory however was short lived, she managed to get out from underneath the dresser and came after me. She chased me into the bathroom and shoved me against the towel rack I still to this day have the scars from the metal towel rack that went into my skin that night.

My life outside home was great I was getting good grades, had lots of friends, and was enjoying my time on the cheer squad, that was until the day she made my Dad choose between having her or me. I don't think I need to say what choice he made. I will add since then my Dad and I have talked about this, he has apologized for his part in my hurt. I have forgiven my Dad.

As I sit here recounting some of my many memories I am learning more about myself and why I react the way I do. I am seeing why I have abandonment issues, trust issues, and issues confronting people when they hurt me. Each time I have sat down to write in the past few days I feel a little lighter at the end. So like it or not I'm going to rant a little...and I'm going to reveal some ugly truth. I will continue tomorrow where I left off today, and frankly my dear I don't give a damn if you want to read it or not.












 

apologies

This morning started typical.... Ashlyn snoring away with her feet dangerously close to my face and my oldest Jaegan yelling from the bathroom that he has once again neglected to grab a towel before taking a shower. My middle child Rylan had been up for a while, dressed and had already finished a large portion of her daily chore list. Mornings are not my favorite and lately just the thought of getting out of bed is exhausting.

Breakfast consisted of things containing red dye # something or other....and milk with a small piece of fruit thrown in to make me feel less guilty about my less than nutritional choice for the kids. Being a mom is sometimes full of many moments of guilt.

Successfully sent two children off to school, one of which could be a cover model for a Homeless Couture fashion magazine.I cringe but try to remind myself that they need to develop their own individual styles, that and eventually she will be tall enough to see in all the mirrors in the house.

I had every intention of getting the majority of my housework done this morning but having Ashlyn home everyday now that she has decided she strongly dislikes her school and teachers, has made getting any.thing done near impossible.

I have felt my stress mounting for days and it all came to a boiling point this morning. I am very lucky to have some pretty amazing friends in my life that will come running if I need help. Today was that day. I found myself yelling at little Ashlyn and immediately realized I was out of line and in need of a time out.

After a long day of Mommy time out I am looking forward to cuddling with the kids tonight, after I apologize of course for my recent grumpy ways. I think as parents we sometimes forget that being in charge doesn't mean we don't need to say we are sorry or admit when we are wrong. I want my children to grow up to be adults willing to apologize sincerely and have the ability to admit when they are wrong, I hope that I can be an example to them in that.


Tomorrow is a new day....and Friday so its going to be good right? ;)

unraveling

Its a scene most of us have witnessed, a person reacting to a situation in a way that to you seems extreme for the situation. I have stood behind someone thinking, seriously stop freaking out because that person bumped into you! For God sake they didn't see you!

Here is what you don't know, that person unraveling in line has arrived at that point where they feel no one around them sees them...hears them, or frankly gives a damn....it had little if anything to do with the person who accidentally bumped them and everything to do with the baggage they are carrying around in life.

Trigger
 noun: A small device that releases a spring or catch and so sets off a mechanism, esp. in order to fire a gun.


verb: Cause (an event or situation) to happen or exist.


Synonym: touch off

Last night I was that person in line unraveling, metaphorically speaking of course. I reacted to being disrespected by someone putting their two cents in where it was not solicited or welcomed in anyway. Last night it became very evident that I was carrying too heavy a load, weighed down by disrespect and lies... years of burdens and secrets I had held onto.

All it took was a little bump...a comment by someone I felt was disrespecting and judging me for something that was never my fault to begin with.  Unfortunately, I didn't just set down that load, I in a moment of hurt took the load and hurled it back at the person who had left it for me to carry in the first place, possibly hurting a few spectators. Once again I unleashed truth instead of just letting truth be truth. Do I regret telling the truth... no. Do I regret the way I let that truth out...yes.

I am not perfect. I am navigating this new territory, and I left the high road and crawled through the mud last night. Not the least bit proud of myself today, but I will learn from it and move on a little more each day.


P.S. Yes, Ashlyn is once again running a muck naked as a jay bird. That little streaker is the bright spot in my day.